They say we walk alone, that all humans are destined to walk alone. Sure, we cross paths with other people on our journey, we bond, we share lives with those we choose but we still walk alone.
Sometimes I feel alone. All the millions of people in this world with me yet I am one soul bound to this mortal coil ordained to see, hear, feel but never to truly connect with another, to stroll as a single being on this earth. Am I doomed to this? Can I change that if I wish it? I would like to think so.
Each of us has our moments of intimacy with another, each of us has touched another life but when we are facing our darkest moments, we all inevitably stand alone looking for a way out, trying to fight that which we cannot see, that thing that haunts our fears, dreams and memories.
So what can we do about it? Should we ignore it, pretend that of this, we know nothing? That is what some choose to do and continue to saunter through life never facing the truth. But; there are some; some people, some truly amazing people who face it and know that it can be beaten. They fight everyday and begin to spread the courage and valour that they have shown to those they meet.
I want to be one of those people, struggling with the same weaknesses but standing up to them, facing them, choosing to fight the darkness. Which will you be?
Showing posts with label questions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label questions. Show all posts
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
Saturday, 12 December 2009
The Road Not Taken
The road not taken is the one that always gets you. It has you thinking and wondering if what you have chosen was right for you. How can you decide if it was? Will you manage to decide before it is too late? Everyone feels this way at some point in his or her life. Not everyone is given a second chance. It does not matter which road you chose - even if you feel completely confident with your choice - that other road will always make you question or even regret your decision.
My two critical roads arrived at a time when it was necessary for me to make another change in my life, even though I may not have realised it until the day it happened. Never has either of my choices presented me with an easy option. However, I discovered my second choice was more complicated than my first. It has been the most challenging road that I have ever had to follow and one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made. Not only has it been filled with uncertainty, it has often left me troubled and tormented. Still, I pursue it because there is no way I can possibly turn back.
It first began when my father, who should have been very close to me and should have known better, told me something that never - no matter how hard I try - can be forgotten. This event caused me a great deal of sorrow and distress for many years and being of a young age, I did not know how to deal with it. Just when I thought I had cried myself out of tears, along came my solution; two roads, offering me solace. I knew exactly what to do. I decided it was best to choose the path I thought would enable me to ignore it, get on with my life without him in it. This was not as easy as I imagined and this certainly was not what happened. Instead, I became filled with such immense fury and resentment that I was almost consumed by it. As a result, it shaped my life and it did not matter who was on the receiving end of my mis-placed anger. If this would protect me from getting hurt again, then, so be it.
One day, several years later, I was given tragic news of a death in our family. I knew then, I would have to face my father whom I had been blaming my anger on all these years. How was I going to cope with seeing him again after all this time? Was I going to be able to hold back all my unresolved feelings? Knowing that meeting him was inevitable; I prayed, everyday, for the courage and strength that I was undoubtedly going to need to make it through such an arduous and traumatic day.
Meeting him in the graveyard, vulnerable and distraught, the same two roads were presented to me. One would allow me to continue with my previously chosen path up until this point. The other was offering me the chance to change many things in my life including myself. How was I supposed to make such an important decision in my emotional state? And would it be the right one? Realising that I may never get the opportunity again, I took a long, deep breath, made my choice and - with my head full of unanswered questions - I started down that long, uncertain road.
Only then by choosing my previously disregarded road, was I given the opportunity to truly move on without anger or resentment holding me back. This, of course, meant I finally had to forgive my father whom I believed, never deserved my forgiveness before. However, I had to try. How else was I ever going to be able to move on with my life?
Wherever this road leads me, I will always imagine the road I left behind wondering if I made the right choice after all. I struggle with my decision everyday and still, cannot say for sure if my decision was the correct one. Sometimes, when things get difficult, I wish I could run back to that moment and start again.
Unfortunately, everyone has to go through something similar at one stage in his or her life. We all face difficult decisions. Sometimes we make the right choice; sometimes we do not. If we are lucky enough, we are given a second chance. As it turned out, I was one of those lucky ones. However, you may not share my good fortune. In the end, how you make your choice is up to you but let me ask you this, if you could go back and choose the road not taken, would you really be any better off?
My two critical roads arrived at a time when it was necessary for me to make another change in my life, even though I may not have realised it until the day it happened. Never has either of my choices presented me with an easy option. However, I discovered my second choice was more complicated than my first. It has been the most challenging road that I have ever had to follow and one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made. Not only has it been filled with uncertainty, it has often left me troubled and tormented. Still, I pursue it because there is no way I can possibly turn back.
It first began when my father, who should have been very close to me and should have known better, told me something that never - no matter how hard I try - can be forgotten. This event caused me a great deal of sorrow and distress for many years and being of a young age, I did not know how to deal with it. Just when I thought I had cried myself out of tears, along came my solution; two roads, offering me solace. I knew exactly what to do. I decided it was best to choose the path I thought would enable me to ignore it, get on with my life without him in it. This was not as easy as I imagined and this certainly was not what happened. Instead, I became filled with such immense fury and resentment that I was almost consumed by it. As a result, it shaped my life and it did not matter who was on the receiving end of my mis-placed anger. If this would protect me from getting hurt again, then, so be it.
One day, several years later, I was given tragic news of a death in our family. I knew then, I would have to face my father whom I had been blaming my anger on all these years. How was I going to cope with seeing him again after all this time? Was I going to be able to hold back all my unresolved feelings? Knowing that meeting him was inevitable; I prayed, everyday, for the courage and strength that I was undoubtedly going to need to make it through such an arduous and traumatic day.
Meeting him in the graveyard, vulnerable and distraught, the same two roads were presented to me. One would allow me to continue with my previously chosen path up until this point. The other was offering me the chance to change many things in my life including myself. How was I supposed to make such an important decision in my emotional state? And would it be the right one? Realising that I may never get the opportunity again, I took a long, deep breath, made my choice and - with my head full of unanswered questions - I started down that long, uncertain road.
Only then by choosing my previously disregarded road, was I given the opportunity to truly move on without anger or resentment holding me back. This, of course, meant I finally had to forgive my father whom I believed, never deserved my forgiveness before. However, I had to try. How else was I ever going to be able to move on with my life?
Wherever this road leads me, I will always imagine the road I left behind wondering if I made the right choice after all. I struggle with my decision everyday and still, cannot say for sure if my decision was the correct one. Sometimes, when things get difficult, I wish I could run back to that moment and start again.
Unfortunately, everyone has to go through something similar at one stage in his or her life. We all face difficult decisions. Sometimes we make the right choice; sometimes we do not. If we are lucky enough, we are given a second chance. As it turned out, I was one of those lucky ones. However, you may not share my good fortune. In the end, how you make your choice is up to you but let me ask you this, if you could go back and choose the road not taken, would you really be any better off?
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