Tears trickle down my face
As I walk away, head down.
Thoughts, fears and regrets
Rush through my mind.
Don’t know what to do with my hands
My feet follow an unknown path,
Who knows where I’ll end up this time.
I never wanted to leave
But you really left me no choice,
We were going nowhere
Just like I am now.
I’m afraid, but I look back
I see your face and I ache
It’s too late to take it away.
I hear you calling, pleading
‘Stay’ you say and I want to
But pride is my lover now,
It’s over, this is the end.
Still, my heart and soul
Are where you are,
I’m lost without them
I whisper to myself...
'I wish I stayed’.
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Saturday, 2 January 2010
Wednesday, 30 December 2009
Seasons change
So here we are,
Time has strained us both
We stand here,
Changed forever
With every season long gone.
Has enough time passed?
Are we able to forgive?
Pain shows in our eyes,
Do we turn and walk away?
Leave this all behind
Do we fight this?
Struggle through the torment,
Battle away the tears
Or do we let them linger?
Stain our faces for all to see.
What use is there in fighting?
We don't remember what it's for.
You say you’re strong enough
But is that enough?
Has too much changed?
Where do we go now?
Who will make that call?
For the first time we are unified
As uncertainty surrounds us both
Seasons change, did our love change too?
Time has strained us both
We stand here,
Changed forever
With every season long gone.
Has enough time passed?
Are we able to forgive?
Pain shows in our eyes,
Do we turn and walk away?
Leave this all behind
Do we fight this?
Struggle through the torment,
Battle away the tears
Or do we let them linger?
Stain our faces for all to see.
What use is there in fighting?
We don't remember what it's for.
You say you’re strong enough
But is that enough?
Has too much changed?
Where do we go now?
Who will make that call?
For the first time we are unified
As uncertainty surrounds us both
Seasons change, did our love change too?
Monday, 14 December 2009
So many questions
They say “The heart wants what the heart wants” but what if your heart does not know? What if it is your mind that is confusing every thought and feeling swirling around inside you? How do you distinguish between the two? Is it possible or does guessing and hoping take its place?
“Time heals old wounds” they say, but what if it doesn’t? What if those old wounds, through time, just manifest into something new, something more powerful and dangerous?
So many questions but how can I answer them all? Do they even have answers?
Lately I have been having trouble sleeping. I have so much running through my mind and I cannot make it quiet. I miss the stillness that I used to know, just now it feels so busy and I am struggling. How can you make peace when you do not know what you are fighting?
How do you quiet a mind so busy, when the door has been removed, allowing those thoughts to run freely? I wish I knew how to answer my questions, I wish I knew how to find peace again. To feel and know somehow that everything will be okay. Maybe it is my faith and belief that is failing and maybe that is what I should be searching for.
When the time comes that we are tested, there are these magical and powerful things that we are supposed to carry around with us like love, hope and trust. These things are meant to help and see us through, to give us the strength to continue through each day even when it is difficult and it feels like all is lost. Do these things exist in me or have I closed that door whilst I have been trying to quiet the anguish inside?
What happens when all your thoughts, fears and emotions take over? It becomes a constant struggle to survive. An inner turmoil that threatens to overpower you at every turn. Is it stoppable? Can it be fought alone or do you then have to call on those magical and powerful things, long since forgotten to see you through?
I wish I had all the answers. I wish I could say that it is all going to be okay. I wish I could say these things but I can’t. I have closed the door to the room that holds these things and I am afraid that door will never open again.
“Time heals old wounds” they say, but what if it doesn’t? What if those old wounds, through time, just manifest into something new, something more powerful and dangerous?
So many questions but how can I answer them all? Do they even have answers?
Lately I have been having trouble sleeping. I have so much running through my mind and I cannot make it quiet. I miss the stillness that I used to know, just now it feels so busy and I am struggling. How can you make peace when you do not know what you are fighting?
How do you quiet a mind so busy, when the door has been removed, allowing those thoughts to run freely? I wish I knew how to answer my questions, I wish I knew how to find peace again. To feel and know somehow that everything will be okay. Maybe it is my faith and belief that is failing and maybe that is what I should be searching for.
When the time comes that we are tested, there are these magical and powerful things that we are supposed to carry around with us like love, hope and trust. These things are meant to help and see us through, to give us the strength to continue through each day even when it is difficult and it feels like all is lost. Do these things exist in me or have I closed that door whilst I have been trying to quiet the anguish inside?
What happens when all your thoughts, fears and emotions take over? It becomes a constant struggle to survive. An inner turmoil that threatens to overpower you at every turn. Is it stoppable? Can it be fought alone or do you then have to call on those magical and powerful things, long since forgotten to see you through?
I wish I had all the answers. I wish I could say that it is all going to be okay. I wish I could say these things but I can’t. I have closed the door to the room that holds these things and I am afraid that door will never open again.
Sunday, 13 December 2009
At night...
Have you ever woken from one of those dreams that bleed into reality and just not been able to shake of the uneasy, creepy feeling you are left with? It happens to me all the time and just when I settle down enough to get tired again, my mind begins to race. It's then that I have to turn that light back on, and write until I can no longer think. This is the result of one such night...
What Dreams May Come
In the deep and dark
dead of night,
when all the world
has lost it's light...
What dreams may come?
Lock all the doors
into bed I creep,
close my eyes
drift off to sleep...
What dreams may come?
Limitless and vast
or riddled with fear,
before I go
it won't be clear
What dreams may come...
What Dreams May Come
In the deep and dark
dead of night,
when all the world
has lost it's light...
What dreams may come?
Lock all the doors
into bed I creep,
close my eyes
drift off to sleep...
What dreams may come?
Limitless and vast
or riddled with fear,
before I go
it won't be clear
What dreams may come...
Saturday, 12 December 2009
The Road Not Taken
The road not taken is the one that always gets you. It has you thinking and wondering if what you have chosen was right for you. How can you decide if it was? Will you manage to decide before it is too late? Everyone feels this way at some point in his or her life. Not everyone is given a second chance. It does not matter which road you chose - even if you feel completely confident with your choice - that other road will always make you question or even regret your decision.
My two critical roads arrived at a time when it was necessary for me to make another change in my life, even though I may not have realised it until the day it happened. Never has either of my choices presented me with an easy option. However, I discovered my second choice was more complicated than my first. It has been the most challenging road that I have ever had to follow and one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made. Not only has it been filled with uncertainty, it has often left me troubled and tormented. Still, I pursue it because there is no way I can possibly turn back.
It first began when my father, who should have been very close to me and should have known better, told me something that never - no matter how hard I try - can be forgotten. This event caused me a great deal of sorrow and distress for many years and being of a young age, I did not know how to deal with it. Just when I thought I had cried myself out of tears, along came my solution; two roads, offering me solace. I knew exactly what to do. I decided it was best to choose the path I thought would enable me to ignore it, get on with my life without him in it. This was not as easy as I imagined and this certainly was not what happened. Instead, I became filled with such immense fury and resentment that I was almost consumed by it. As a result, it shaped my life and it did not matter who was on the receiving end of my mis-placed anger. If this would protect me from getting hurt again, then, so be it.
One day, several years later, I was given tragic news of a death in our family. I knew then, I would have to face my father whom I had been blaming my anger on all these years. How was I going to cope with seeing him again after all this time? Was I going to be able to hold back all my unresolved feelings? Knowing that meeting him was inevitable; I prayed, everyday, for the courage and strength that I was undoubtedly going to need to make it through such an arduous and traumatic day.
Meeting him in the graveyard, vulnerable and distraught, the same two roads were presented to me. One would allow me to continue with my previously chosen path up until this point. The other was offering me the chance to change many things in my life including myself. How was I supposed to make such an important decision in my emotional state? And would it be the right one? Realising that I may never get the opportunity again, I took a long, deep breath, made my choice and - with my head full of unanswered questions - I started down that long, uncertain road.
Only then by choosing my previously disregarded road, was I given the opportunity to truly move on without anger or resentment holding me back. This, of course, meant I finally had to forgive my father whom I believed, never deserved my forgiveness before. However, I had to try. How else was I ever going to be able to move on with my life?
Wherever this road leads me, I will always imagine the road I left behind wondering if I made the right choice after all. I struggle with my decision everyday and still, cannot say for sure if my decision was the correct one. Sometimes, when things get difficult, I wish I could run back to that moment and start again.
Unfortunately, everyone has to go through something similar at one stage in his or her life. We all face difficult decisions. Sometimes we make the right choice; sometimes we do not. If we are lucky enough, we are given a second chance. As it turned out, I was one of those lucky ones. However, you may not share my good fortune. In the end, how you make your choice is up to you but let me ask you this, if you could go back and choose the road not taken, would you really be any better off?
My two critical roads arrived at a time when it was necessary for me to make another change in my life, even though I may not have realised it until the day it happened. Never has either of my choices presented me with an easy option. However, I discovered my second choice was more complicated than my first. It has been the most challenging road that I have ever had to follow and one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made. Not only has it been filled with uncertainty, it has often left me troubled and tormented. Still, I pursue it because there is no way I can possibly turn back.
It first began when my father, who should have been very close to me and should have known better, told me something that never - no matter how hard I try - can be forgotten. This event caused me a great deal of sorrow and distress for many years and being of a young age, I did not know how to deal with it. Just when I thought I had cried myself out of tears, along came my solution; two roads, offering me solace. I knew exactly what to do. I decided it was best to choose the path I thought would enable me to ignore it, get on with my life without him in it. This was not as easy as I imagined and this certainly was not what happened. Instead, I became filled with such immense fury and resentment that I was almost consumed by it. As a result, it shaped my life and it did not matter who was on the receiving end of my mis-placed anger. If this would protect me from getting hurt again, then, so be it.
One day, several years later, I was given tragic news of a death in our family. I knew then, I would have to face my father whom I had been blaming my anger on all these years. How was I going to cope with seeing him again after all this time? Was I going to be able to hold back all my unresolved feelings? Knowing that meeting him was inevitable; I prayed, everyday, for the courage and strength that I was undoubtedly going to need to make it through such an arduous and traumatic day.
Meeting him in the graveyard, vulnerable and distraught, the same two roads were presented to me. One would allow me to continue with my previously chosen path up until this point. The other was offering me the chance to change many things in my life including myself. How was I supposed to make such an important decision in my emotional state? And would it be the right one? Realising that I may never get the opportunity again, I took a long, deep breath, made my choice and - with my head full of unanswered questions - I started down that long, uncertain road.
Only then by choosing my previously disregarded road, was I given the opportunity to truly move on without anger or resentment holding me back. This, of course, meant I finally had to forgive my father whom I believed, never deserved my forgiveness before. However, I had to try. How else was I ever going to be able to move on with my life?
Wherever this road leads me, I will always imagine the road I left behind wondering if I made the right choice after all. I struggle with my decision everyday and still, cannot say for sure if my decision was the correct one. Sometimes, when things get difficult, I wish I could run back to that moment and start again.
Unfortunately, everyone has to go through something similar at one stage in his or her life. We all face difficult decisions. Sometimes we make the right choice; sometimes we do not. If we are lucky enough, we are given a second chance. As it turned out, I was one of those lucky ones. However, you may not share my good fortune. In the end, how you make your choice is up to you but let me ask you this, if you could go back and choose the road not taken, would you really be any better off?
Friday, 11 December 2009
A new beginning... my letter to you
I was reading one of my favourite books the other day; I pick it up from time to time and read a chapter or two; it always makes me think about where I want to be in life and how good my life is at times. It is a book about Jean Paul Sartre and Simone De Beauvoir and the life that they spent together. They were (just in case you don’t know) this legendary couple. Existentialist philosophers / writers who met by chance at the Sorbonne in Paris. Anyway this book is about their lives and loves and the letters that they used to write to each other whilst they were apart. You see, they had pledged to be together forever and believed that they were soul mates but had accepted that each of them should be allowed to be with whomever they wanted because he did not want to get married. Now I know you are probably thinking... “So…” Well it just got me thinking about how back in those days and through wars, how people used to communicate with friends and loved ones. They could only communicate through letters and had no way of knowing if their words would reach the other person and if they would get a response. That must have been really terrible to have that on your mind as you are writing to someone. How on earth did they handle it? These people must have been so strong and have so much faith. It is extraordinary really. Now take us for example, our generation. We have been completely spoiled by all the technology that we have around us now. Mobile phones, computers, internet, if we lost it all many of us would not know what to do; the word doomed comes to mind. Even me, I am writing you a letter but I am using a computer as it is so much simpler than actually putting pen to paper plus it is tidier than my handwriting. A little bit of OCD coming out I think Lol. Well, that’s my little rant over with. ‘Thankfully’ I hear you say.
Ok so what else do you talk about in a letter? Theoretically I can say whatever I want to say and there is not a lot you can do about it. Can you class a letter as a conversation? It is a little more like a soliloquy, there is an audience and you are speaking to them directly but they are not involved in what it is that you are saying. I guess I probably put too much thought into things at times. I actually found a few documents on my computer today that were simply labelled… ‘Thoughts’ So I had a little read through them, it was kind of nice to remember what was going through my mind at specific points in time. Like keeping a diary but only writing in it when you had something notable to say that you could not tell anyone. These things that I wrote were completely personal and significant to how I felt at the time and therefore no person on this planet has ever read them.
In this life, we all want to make some sort of lasting impression so that we are not forgotten after we are gone. I guess that is why some people seek fame and fortune and others choose a life like Mother Theresa’s. We all want someone to remember us whether we know it or not. Yet, here I am, a completely private person who has all this stuff to say but never really says any of it. I can write everything down and hide it away and never let anyone see it but in order to have lived a life worthy of living, we must not allow our insecurities and fears to rule over us. So here it is… a continual little excerpt of private thoughts and emotions that I am forwarding into the world through you. This is completely unprecedented for me you know, I just figured that since I am writing to you I would make it worthwhile and not all just rubbish chatter.
So there you have it… the weird, the silly and the serious. Now I am thinking that I have probably bored you enough and should perhaps let you get back to whatever you were up to. I hope that you have enjoyed a little trip into my strange little mind and that it does not mess you up completely too
Ok so what else do you talk about in a letter? Theoretically I can say whatever I want to say and there is not a lot you can do about it. Can you class a letter as a conversation? It is a little more like a soliloquy, there is an audience and you are speaking to them directly but they are not involved in what it is that you are saying. I guess I probably put too much thought into things at times. I actually found a few documents on my computer today that were simply labelled… ‘Thoughts’ So I had a little read through them, it was kind of nice to remember what was going through my mind at specific points in time. Like keeping a diary but only writing in it when you had something notable to say that you could not tell anyone. These things that I wrote were completely personal and significant to how I felt at the time and therefore no person on this planet has ever read them.
In this life, we all want to make some sort of lasting impression so that we are not forgotten after we are gone. I guess that is why some people seek fame and fortune and others choose a life like Mother Theresa’s. We all want someone to remember us whether we know it or not. Yet, here I am, a completely private person who has all this stuff to say but never really says any of it. I can write everything down and hide it away and never let anyone see it but in order to have lived a life worthy of living, we must not allow our insecurities and fears to rule over us. So here it is… a continual little excerpt of private thoughts and emotions that I am forwarding into the world through you. This is completely unprecedented for me you know, I just figured that since I am writing to you I would make it worthwhile and not all just rubbish chatter.
So there you have it… the weird, the silly and the serious. Now I am thinking that I have probably bored you enough and should perhaps let you get back to whatever you were up to. I hope that you have enjoyed a little trip into my strange little mind and that it does not mess you up completely too
A little introduction
Welcome to my universe.
I bet you are excited already...
Just a very short introduction to introduce you to my mind, full of incessant ramblings and mindless chatter haha just kidding. Seriously though, this here is a first for me. I always insisted on never sharing what comes to mind, the creative or non-creative part of it but since I am a girl, I am allowed to change my mind anytime I want and there is nothing you can do about it haha
What you will find throughout this 'thing' will be completely at random. It could be creative... stories, poetry or letters etc or it may just be thoughts I have in my head and decide to share.
So that's it from this little intro. I hope you enjoy and laugh, get mad or whatever you want when you read this... Just stay true to you!
I bet you are excited already...
Just a very short introduction to introduce you to my mind, full of incessant ramblings and mindless chatter haha just kidding. Seriously though, this here is a first for me. I always insisted on never sharing what comes to mind, the creative or non-creative part of it but since I am a girl, I am allowed to change my mind anytime I want and there is nothing you can do about it haha
What you will find throughout this 'thing' will be completely at random. It could be creative... stories, poetry or letters etc or it may just be thoughts I have in my head and decide to share.
So that's it from this little intro. I hope you enjoy and laugh, get mad or whatever you want when you read this... Just stay true to you!
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